What makes the sex drive so powerful?

Wow.  Okay, well, time to take the kid gloves off.  Time to get to work.  And I'm sorry in advance for answering a question with a question.  Well, kind of sorry.

Sex is one of the most important parts of human psychology.  It must be, otherwise we wouldn't spend....  Actually, I looked around and I couldn't find any concrete figures on how much money is spent on sex research.  I found answers on the corporate budget of Microsoft, Sun Systems, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, Electronic Arts, and nearly every imaginable avenue of government spending (except the obvious exceptions - they still won't give me that Presidential security clearance, gosh darn it), but nothing about the money spent on sex research, education, and treatment.  Oh, I can find a lot of articles bitching about how much money is spent on sex research, or about how we are all being corrupted in one way or another by one type of sexual education or how prostitution is a booming industry, whether it's legal or not, but there are no numbers.  Robert Heinlein said "[W]hat are the facts, and to how many decimal places?"  What he meant was that if you can't quantify a source by exact figures, you can't trust the data.

This makes me wonder about a great many things, not the least of which is the reliability of nonprofessionals and unqualified, armchair experts expounding on subjects they have a moral stake in without sparing any work on their brains outside of how to make their lies sound believable.  It's been like this for decades, really, even in a world that has long since seen Alfred Kinsey and the results of his research.  For those of you who don't know, Alfred Kinsey was the father of modern sexology, and founded the Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction in 1947.  In the 50's, people wanted him lynched for even talking about sex, let alone "wasting" money on thinking about it.  In the end, however, everything we know to be fact (that means quantifiable results and evidence) about the psychology of sex, and most of what we know about the biology of sex is due to the foundations laid by his work.  Liam Neeson played him in a biopic a few years back.  Most people hated it.  I loved it.  This is beside the point, though.

Moving on, the money spent on trying to figure out sex is astronomical - that much I am reasonably sure of. (See that?  Right there?  No numbers.  Not a quantifiable fact.  Don't trust it.)  Alright, fine, maybe the money is reasonable or even grossly under what would be reasonable, but the reams of data collected by Kinsey and his colleagues both living and dead are astounding in their quantity, and again, you can't really say anything about sex that wasn't learned due to his discoveries.  I wish I could say that the things I'm about to say in this post are mostly due to his research, as well.  Most of it, however, also owes a lot to Charles Darwin, or as I like to call him, Uncle Chuck.  Dunno why, but I do.  Deal with it.  But before I move on (and to justify the massive tangent about Kinsey I just went on) if you want to know everything you ever questioned about sex and more, look up his work.  He is a much more comprehensive and reliable source than I am.  Now, on with the question.

Not too long ago, during a friendly argument over intelligent design vs. evolution, the contention that species are driven by an instinctual desire to reproduce was challenged by a very simple question: if evolution maintains that the first organism that every living thing on the planet evolved from was the microbe - a single celled organism that exists to this very day and is too simple to experience emotion at all, let alone desire - then how can the contention be correct?  Like most simple questions, it had a simple answer, and it comes from observations made by Uncle Chuck and those researching his legacy, more specifically those with very powerful microscopes.  See, microbes - capable of experiencing desire or not - do reproduce, albeit asexually.

STOP IT.  Get that look off of your face.  Yes, this is going to be a bit of a science lesson, but you've come this far, so don't puss out on me now.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Asexually.  Yes, they split themselves in two and go about their business as if this is a normal thing (which it is, by the way).  And with this particular version of the process, that's pretty much the end of the story.  They eat by absorbing material around them and converting it into a refined version of themselves, and they produce waste made up of all the things they can't use or the byproducts of their own bodily processes, just like we do, if on a microscopic scale.  Sometimes, however, the microbe would split itself in to four pieces, producing not two cells, but four gametes.  Call these "cell juniors", if you like, but this is the same story as above: eat, grow, waste, survive, do all the things multicellular things do, only smaller.  But there's a couple of problems for these half-cells: they're only half a being, and they know it.

See, when the tiny little cell in this scenario split itself, it produced a quartet of creatures with only half of the chemicals that make up their DNA, because if it had only split in two, the DNA for each "child" would be complete and whole.  Now, the process of living in their (now) separate environments have made them into different beings, even caused them to grow a bit, but they are forever incomplete - and they know it.  Almost like something out of a very sentimental high fantasy novel, those chemicals call out to each other, seeking a reunion.  The blueprint for what they once were is fractured, and not only does this cause a "chemical desire," but it creates a magnetic pull in the four creatures to reunite with something similar to what they lost.  It's kind of awesome to watch, from what I understand, because a gamete separated from all viable mates will, for the most part wiggle for a while searching for a mate, but not much, and not for long.  However, if there is a passable terrain between that potential mate and the gamete in question, oh it is TOTALLY ON.  Seriously, the thing goes nuts, doing everything in its power to get there and do its thing, and it knows to do this because it has picked up on the chemicals it needs to complete its genetic code once again.

Anyhow, this is going somewhere, I promise.  Every once in a while, these gametes would run into foreign gametes, and in a few instances, they would combine.  These were the first instances of sexual reproduction: forming a living organism out of two separate entities.  The cells produced from these unions would have a much more diverse set of DNA, which made them more adaptable than either of the original organisms they had once been a part of.  This means that those children had a higher rate of survival than their parents.  Because of this, those cells that actively repelled their parents and went outside their own gene pool thrived while those that kept recombining with themselves dwindled and, in some cases, died out.

The offspring of those cells are a part of almost every living being on the planet right now.  The upshot of all this is that we were the ones who thrived.  The organisms that had the instinctual drive to not reproduce sexually are still around, but we're not those organisms.  DNA is a funny thing; we know on a cellular level that fucking gives us advantages.  Now, with the mindset of a human individual, we will never see those benefits.  The benefits belong to those cells who will live on in our children.  But the cells, and therefor the instincts drive us, nonetheless.

However, if your looking for a simpler answer... it's because sex feels fucking awesome, and knowing that, who can think about anything else?

If you have a question for the demon, send it to askthedemon@gmail.com, and remember:

never stop asking questions.

How did the practice of flashing at Mardi Gras for beads get started?

Okay, time for a short history lesson. Mardi Gras Carnival has been going on, by reliable accounts, since 1781. The late 1830's saw the dawn of the Mardi Gras parades, in the form of processions consisting of horseback riders and highly decorated carriages, all ridden by people wearing elaborately decorated masks. This comes from the idea that Fat Tuesday is the last day you get to make a complete fool of yourself and indulge before Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Catholic tradition/ceremony of Lent. The masks were there to provide the illusion of anonymity for those people making fools of themselves so that their neighbors would still respect them in the morning - or at least that those neighbors would never bring up the behavior, since the masked person obviously didn't want it advertised, which worked back then because manners were more complicated and reliable at the time. No, seriously, that's how it worked. You were wearing a mask, they would act like it was somebody else.

Anyhow, since Lent is the time of symbolic emulation of Christ's forty days in the desert preparing for his public ministry, it is a time of fasting and introspection. But before then, it's party time. Seems a little counter-productive or contrary to the point to me, but people are going to do what they want to do... or whatever everyone else is doing, since they have no original thoughts. Either way, that's not what you asked, and you likely only have so much tolerance for my bitter cynicism.

Proceeding with the short history lesson, in 1871, the Twelfth Night Revelers were the first Mardi Gras Krewe to pass out "throws," small trinkets tossed to parade watchers as mementos of the occasion. The tradition spread like wildfire throughout the other Krewes and has become a staple of Mardi Gras ever since. One apocryphal origin story for the tradition of throws is that New Orleans was one of the last great pirate ports. To keep it a safe haven for those of less legal seafaring professions, the pirates made a habit of riding down the streets with a portion of their loot, passing it out to the crowds of people that cheered their arrival. This effectively made the entire city willing accomplices who had "no idea where those nasty pirates went." This is complete conjecture, since none of this exists in a documented form, but due to the highly illegal nature of pirate culture, it's entirely possible that it never got written about in any reliable manner. Still, it's a nice story, and I'm printing the legend.

In any case, the history lesson is over. Kinda. This next part is fairly recent, so it's less of a "history lesson" and more of an explanation of recent events. I know, it's still history, but some people shut down and stop listening when they hear the word... which doesn't matter since I started this article with the word. Fuck it. One last short history lesson.

A few years, or maybe only months prior to 1998, a young, enterprising film producer by the name of Joe Francis took a single film crew to several locations around the country. These locations included the California and New York club scenes, the spring break parties of California, Texas and Florida, and last but not least, Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. You see where this is going. Joe Francis is the founder of Mantra Entertainment, producers of the Girls Gone Wild videos. Contrary to popular belief, however, GGW did not create the practice of flashing in New Orleans. They merely capitalized on it. But, in doing so, they made the practice more widely known, and somehow, more mainstream.

The explanation for where flashing started in the first place is simple human psychology. For the Mardi Gras throws, it was a way to get the attention and good graces of the men passing out the throws. Which do you think a guy is going to pay more attention to: a woman yelling "Throw me something, mister" or a topless woman yelling "Throw me something, mister"? And this goes for as far back as you can take it.  This kind of behavior isn't modern, really, and in the scenario of a pirate town, it's not that hard to imagine a woman of lesser morals using her body to advantage.  The Spring Break flashing is another story entirely, but you didn't ask about that.

If you have a question for the demon, send it to askthedemon@gmail.com, and remember:

never stop asking questions.

What is the greatest song in the world?

First off, before I get this started, I want to share with everyone how this question was delivered to me, because it's kind of cute.

The heat continues to rise as the man

continues his way through the crags of the

mountain pass. The heat from the arid

climate continued to escalate, and the

dust and acrid smells made even

breathing a challenge.

When the man believed he'd had enough,

there he was. Standing at the opening to a

cave, he looked to the sky, took a deep

breath of relief, and walked inside. The

man knew he had reached his destination.

He approached a small dais, stood in the

center of it, and wiped his brow. A voice

thundered "Ask The Demon".

"What" he began with a crack, then

cleared his voice to continue, "What is

the greatest song in the world?"

Nice, huh?

Well, gentle yet determined soul, when I first came across your request, I was uncertain of how to answer. I'm not really comfortable spouting opinions as fact. This is not to say that this is not an opinion blog, because it is. But at least when I say something, I can admit that it is just that: an opinion. Asking what the greatest or best of anything is demands conclusiveness. However, the power of math is awesome, and has given me the an answer that I am comfortable with delivering to you.

What you are about to read is the culmination of an algorithm I made up over the course of a night based on eight top ten lists and one poll. There were ten, but then I realized that someone had copied another list onto their own site, so I have to drop their data. In any case, the lists and the poll came from Squidoo.com, Rolling Stone Magazine, TheTopTens.com, The Daily Telegraph newspaper of London, MisterPoll.com (guess which one the poll came from), RateYourMusic.com, WTMD 89.7 Baltimore, MuziekLijstjes.nl (a music site from the Netherlands), and the blog of Spanish music student DJ Darth. When a song was listed as number one on a list, it was given ten points. Number two songs were given nine. You see where this is going. Now, top ten lists are tricky. If you've ever tried to make one, you find yourself trying to either rank a massive list of candidates or find some mediocre additions to actually build up to ten. Because of this, I kept going after the initial points were tallied. The more lists a song appeared on, the more points I gave them. On the other hand, if a song only appeared on one list, it was dropped altogether. These were either songs people tried to add simply to get the number up to ten, or they were songs that person really liked, but it wasn't actually that great of a song. Honestly, some of these lists included songs I've never even heard of, so hopefully, this logic tracks. If not, too bad. My blog, my rules.

Interestingly enough, this is a list of not the top ten, but top eleven songs yielded by this algorithm. So, here we go: I present to you, The Demon's Mathematically Likely Greatest 11 Songs of All Time.

#11 - Hey Jude

(a.k.a. - Suck it up, kid)

Written by Paul McCartney for Julian Lennon, it was an attempt on the Beatle's part to comfort the boy in the wake of John Lennon leaving his mother for Yoko Ono. McCartney has apparently always had a soft spot in his heart for the children of divorce, and Lennon's family were already very close to him when the break took place. Julian Lennon had even stated that there were more photos of McCartney and himself at that age than there were of he and his father. Funny thing is, Juliann didn't even know it was written for him until 20 years after the fact. Because the song's intent was never revealed during those two decades, and because the message it delivers is so universal, several people close to McCartney have stated over the years that they were nearly convinced it was written for them. It's a wonderful song, and one that stands the test of time thus far. On the other hand, it's just a little depressing, which is probably why it didn't rank higher on the list.

On a side note, and in an attempt to vilify my algorithm, the Amusement and Music Operators Association ranked "Hey Jude" the eleventh best jukebox single of all time. So, there. And stuff.

#10 - Over the Rainbow

(a.k.a. - Someday, I'm gonna melt a bitch)

Often considered the pinnacle achievement of Judy Garland's career, this song has a list of facts and opinions supporting it's placement on this list a mile long. In World War 2, it held a special place in the hearts of servicemen longing for home. The American Film Institute chose it as the greatest movie song of all time. Now, ignoring the fact that the AFI has a raging hard-on for anything to do with movies older than 1970, this song was insanely popular at the time and has remained so ever since. The Wizard of Oz is such a popular story that it has become part of America's mythology, but it has even spread further than that, becoming part of the global paradigm. The idea of a child finding his or her way into a fantastic world in which they are the great hero is one that has been repeated time and time again ever since the release of L. Frank Baum's masterpiece novel. This song is the signature of the movie that cemented the phenomenon into the collective consciousness. The crowning achievement of this song, in my opinion, is the fact that it wasn't available to the public for purchase for 17 years after it's initial release in the film. MGM just didn't get around to publishing the soundtrack before then. And it still stuck in people's minds after all that. That's staying power. The only reason it's not higher on the list is that it's fucking old. The song is 71 years old. Anything is bound to get a little annoying after seven decades of air time.

#9 - Bohemian Rhapsody

(a.k.a. - 4 minutes and 8 seconds until mandatory headbanging)

I'm in the same boat with a lot of people on this one: I'd never heard of this song until Wayne's World was released. In my opinion, and according to my algorithm, Queen's magnum opus bends Over the Rainbow over it's knee and spanks it until sobs of "Please, daddy, no!" are irrevocably and forever seared into the listener's nightmares as far as movie songs go. To be fair, the song was already 17 years old by the time the movie came out, so it may not be altogether correct to label it as a movie song, but that's how most of us know it, so the argument can be made. You also have to keep in mind that I'm an American, and until Wayne's World was released, the highest the song ever made it on the Billboard charts was #9. In the UK, however, it is the third best selling single of all time. On the lists it appeared on that were included in my algorithm, it always rated in the top five, but it only appeared on a few lists, and never at number one. Still, every time I've heard it at a club or other public venue, I always hear most everyone singing along without a single word misunderstood or missed. It's a classic, no matter which way you slice it. Perhaps the reason it didn't rank higher is because it's been just a little overplayed.

#8 - Born to Run

(a.k.a. - New Jersey's Ashbury Park will swallow your soul)

I'm going to get this out of the way right now: If Bruce Springsteen is the Boss, then I quit. I have never liked any of his songs, and I have only the most rudimentary understanding of why he is so popular. That being said, this song deserves it's place on this list. Until this song was released, Bruce Springsteen was popular with a few music critics, but not much of anybody else. When Born to Run hit the radio, Bruce Springsteen became a household name very quickly. Because of Springsteen's success, the way was paved for artists like Bon Jovi and Southside Johnny to become popular. Somehow, the music scene had ignored the example of Frank Sinatra and New Jersey was ignored as a legitimate home for recording artists until Springsteen's example. Born to Run changed all that. It is a love letter written to a girl imploring her to come with the writer and escape a downtrodden town that offers no hope for the dreams they have of a better life. On some level, every human being can relate to that, and as much as I can't stand the artist or the song, that kind of universal message deserves it's place on the list. Besides, whether or not I like it, the math doesn't lie.

#7 - Smells Like Teen Spirit

(a.k.a. - I have no idea what he just said, but this song is AWESOME)

As a tail end member of Generation X (I guess), I have a special place in my heart for Nirvana. When they were popular I wasn't much into them, to tell the truth, but once Kurt Cobain killed himself I was introduced to their music. I admit it: I wasn't into Nirvana until they were already cool. Sorry. This song, released in 1991, was the first song Nirvana recorded that I knew was theirs. In direct contrast to Bohemian Rhapsody, I can count the number of people I know who have learned the lyrics to this song on one hand. Three versions I've seen performed at karaoke, and every version shows different words. Referring to the incoherent lyrics, rock critic Dave Marsh recorded the thoughts of DJs across America who called this song the "Louie Louie of the 90's." I've also found songs whose titles aren't included in the lyrics to be very interesting, and this song is the only such song on this list. The title came from a friend of Cobain's, Bikini Kill's Kathleen Hanna, who spray painted the words "Kurt Smells Like Teen Spirit" on his wall. Kurt thought it was an Anarchist statement, when in fact it was Hanna saying that he smelled like his girlfriend's deodorant, Teen Spirit. I guess it works in the end, though. The song itself is a self-contradictory anarchist's warcry, simultaneously demanding attention and privacy, fun and seriousness, revolution and peace. Studying the lyrics (the correct lyrics can be found all over the place nowadays) yields complete confusion, and as Nirvana drummer and Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl guessed, they don't really mean anything. If anything, the lyrics to Smells Like Teen Spirit is one of the purest stream of consciousness poems ever to become popular, because Cobain was just writing down whatever shit came into his head at the time he wrote it. Most people claim this as a reason the song is inferior. I think it's the reason that it's the only song on the list younger than 35 years old.

#6 - Let It Be

(a.k.a. - Hey... I just killed the Beatles!)

Okay, that might be a little harsh, since the Beatles' problems had started long before the writing and release of this song, but still, it's significant to note that this was the last hit they had before they officially broke up for good. And honestly, the jury still seems to be out on Yoko Ono's hand in that situation. Still, the song is powerful and speaks to a part of us that longs for a better age to someday come about. We all know that turmoil is around us every day, and the message this song delivers is one of hope. That message is delivered by a band who loved each other but had reached a point that they could barely stand each other. I know too many people who have been in that kind of a situation to think that this song's popularity is an accident. Music is too powerful of a medium for emotions to not shine through in a performance, and this dynamic comes through in the song's performance. It was supposedly written by Paul McCartney after a dream he had. In the dream, his mother who died of cancer when he was very young comforted him concerning the struggle that was the recording of the White Album. The lyrics of the song are certainly dreamy and ethereal, as is the accompanying music. This, in concert with the universal message of the song makes for a piece of art that reaches millions on a fundamental level. Even if this song was the last successful effort of the phenomenon and era that was the career of the greatest rock band ever, the fact that it is their greatest song speaks volumes. In all likelihood, a song of this caliber will never be written again, and certainly never by a band of such greatness.

#5 - Layla

(a.k.a. - To my friend's wife: Please leave him for me so that I can cheat on you)

Yeah. And oh, did he ever. Derek and the Dominoes was a group that Eric Clapton started with members of an act he'd been associated with earlier known as Delaney and Bonnie and Friends. Now, until I started getting my facts straight about this song and Eric Clapton in general, I thought that Chris Cornell had gone through too many bands. However, Eric Clapton has been associated with more than 20 musical acts over the years, and this is likely why he is the only artist to have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of fame three separate times. These inductions were for his work with the Yardbirds and Cream and for his solo work. Eric Clapton is possibly the greatest musical storyteller of the past century. He is however human, just like the rest of us. Layla doesn't exist. "Layla" is actually Pattie Boyd, a photographer, model, penultimate groupie, and most importantly to this story, former wife of the Beatle George Harrison. Clapton had an unrequited love for her that lasted for years, and eventually she left Harrison for him. In return for choosing Clapton over the laundry list of high-powered rockers who were also apparently head over heels for Boyd - including Mick Jagger and John Lennon - Clapton cheated on her. Not only did he cheat on her, he had two children by two different women, all the while trying to maintain his marriage to the woman that "had him on his knees." In fairness to the song, it has one of the most powerful and recognizable guitar riffs in rock history. It is also the first result of the algorithm that appeared as number one on two separate lists. The woman that inspired this song was present at more milestone events in oldie and classical rock and roll history than most people can remember without the aid of numerous issues of Rolling Stone magazine. This isn't only one of the most recognizable songs ever written; it is both the result and cause of numerous moments of note in an era that defined music as we know it today.

#4 - Satisfaction

(a.k.a. - Quit your whining, you capitalist slave)

Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of this song? The breakout hit from the Rolling Stones is a scathing review of commercialism and the outrageous demands people make when they think that their own wishes are more important than everyone else's. Most people never look that far into it, and all they hear is the most upbeat blues song ever. In that respect, the song has everything: lack of understanding from the world, lack of attention from the opposite sex, bombardment from the media, financial deprivation... as far as the blues is concerned, it doesn't get much more packed with troubles that everyone can relate to than this. Relating to a fact I brought up with Layla, Satisfaction has another one of the most recognizable melodies in rock and roll. It is listed on most Greatest Song lists, including those released by MTV, VH1, Q magazine, and fittingly, Rolling Stone magazine. It has also been noted as one of the most powerfully influential songs of all time, citing it's condemnation of commercialism in America as one of, if not the most shocking and world-shaking pieces of music of all time. Kieth Richards apparently wrote this song after waking up for a few minutes in the middle of the night. He woke up, hit record on a tape deck, played the melody on his guitar, and spoke the words "I can't get no satisfaction" before promptly falling back asleep. Funny note: he did not hit the stop button. He was even quoted as saying, "It was two minutes of 'Satisfaction' and 40 minutes of me snoring." When he shared the tape with Mick Jagger the next day, Mick was enthusiastic, but Kieth began wondering what in the hell he'd been thinking in a fit of momentary wakefulness. In the end, it was the song that made their legendary careers possible. The rest, as they say, is history.

Yes, I seriously just said that.

#3 - Like a Rolling Stone

(a.k.a. - Dylan went electric and it actually produced a good song so shut up)

First off, let me dispel the myth that this song gave the Rolling Stones (the band) and Rolling Stone magazine their names. All of these - the song, the band and the magazine - got their name from the Muddy Waters song Rollin' Stone. The funny thing about this is that Rollin' Stone didn't make it onto this list. In fact, when Rolling Stone magazine did their 500 Greatest Songs list, it ranked 459th on the list, even though it influenced three of the most important things in the world of rock and roll. In any case, Like a Rolling Stone was anything but a labor of love for Bob Dylan. He wrote somewhere between 10 and 20 pages of poetry, and when it was over with, it had evolved into a song. Dylan hated it, but pressed on and worked with a fellow guitarist until it had been hammered into the stuff of greatness. It has actually been compared to Smells Like Teen Spirit, but not because of it's similarity. Smells Like Teen Spirit and Like a Rolling Stone have been compared because of their importance to the generation of the times they were released, and each song's status as unforgettable anthems of the times. Unlike Teen Spirit (and uncharacteristically for Dylan) you can actually understand the words to Like a Rolling Stone. One country star has gone on record as saying that when he performed it on a lark at one of his shows, he was surprised to find that everyone in the audience of all ages knew every single word of at least the chorus. He tested this phenomenon and continued performing it at subsequent shows, and everyone seemed to take to it. This was a rock and roll styled folk song, being performed at a country show. Unfortunately, this song doesn't get much play on the radio anymore, but its influence on music is undeniable, since it inspired countless musical acts, some of which inspired others in turn. Hendrix, the Doors, the Beatles, the Stones, the Dave Clark Five, Springsteen, Frank Zappa, Elvis Costello, Cher, John Mellencamp and Green Day have all pointed to this song specifically as being inspiration for their subsequent works. Some have even gone so far as to record their own covers of the song, making it one of the most redone and covered songs of all time.

#2 - Imagine

(a.k.a. - The Beatles are more popular than God, and I'm more popular than them, nanny nanny boo boo)

Look, say what you want about John Lennon and his immaculate vision of a world living with peace and understanding, but the guy was a jerk. I'm sorry, but he was, and Yoko Ono, for all of her faults and sins, didn't make him that way. I understand that the breakup of the Beatles was a monumental emotional upheaval for everyone involved (and even for some who weren't - hell, some people still aren't over it), but it's very easy to find Lennon talking shit about the Beatles and very hard to find any of the other Beatles talking shit about him. All this being said, the Beatles have two songs on this list, but neither of them surpasses Imagine, John Lennon's crowning achievement. Funny thing is, just like Like a Rolling Stone, the writer didn't really care for the song. He liked the lyrics, at least reportedly, but he felt that the composition was too simple and bland. The fact that the lyrics were inspired by Yoko Ono's poetry may lend some understanding to why he liked the lyrics, though. In the final decade of his life, many people close to Lennon reported that he had grown distant from everyone, but curiously, the one he grew the most distant from was himself: he denigrated all the songs he'd written with the Beatles, marginalized his relation to anything popular and successful, and refused to look back on his life with any joy. Some have argued that this was a manifestation of his progressive thinking and even pointed to this as an example of how his vision was always focussed on the future, but still... it's a little upsetting, especially for those who do look back on those good times and remember them as good. Still, it all comes back to the art. True art delivers a message, and the message of Imagine is powerful in ways that other artists dream of someday approximating while seldom daring to hope to match. No song in our history on this planet that has made it to the general consumption of the masses has ever managed to make us hope and yearn for peace more than the three minutes taken up by Imagine do. Even those convinced that there will be no peace get a glimmer of hope when they hear this song. No matter how much I distrust the legend of who John Lennon truly was as a man, I cannot deny that his talents as a songwriter surpassed anything I have heard before or since.

On a personal note, maybe it's just me, but I like A Perfect Circle's version of Imagine better. As one radio personality once stated, "Keenan sucked every ounce of hope out of that song," but if you watch the video and read the track at the bottom of the screen, the end gives a note of insight as to why it's not that hopeless of a rendition.

#1 - Stairway to Heaven

(a.k.a. - Required learning for guitar players)

Surely you saw this coming. Led Zeppelin's classic is so ingrained into the idea of classic rock that it appeared on all but three of the lists that I plugged into my algorithm. Wayne's World, rearing it's silly head again, made a joke about it: when Wayne went to the local guitar shop to try out his dream guitar, he began playing a few chords, and suddenly the shop attendant stopped him and pointed at a sign that read "NO STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN". Having been raised by a band director and having spent quite a bit of my formative years in music shops, I get the point of this joke a little better than most, and it all relates back to the a.k.a. joke I made in the title of this section. Everybody who learns how to play guitar learns at least the opening chords of this song, and when they go to the store to look at guitars, it's usually the first song that pops into the customer's head to test the axe out. Most guitar store clerks are sick enough of this song that they are willing to alienate the customer simply to be rid of it. It's mandatory, somehow, to learn this song if you play guitar. The rock comedy group Tenacious D never implicitly stated that this was the song that they wrote the song Tribute about Stairway, but the chord structures, most of the melody, and a good portion of the guitar solo section as well as the vocal structure of the a cappella section are significantly similar to Stairway. Stairway started as a small collection of guitar pieces written and assembled by Led Zeppelin's front men Jimmy Page and Robert Plant. It took them three months to finally produce the masterpiece we know as Stairway to Heaven today. Somebody with a more love of math than me and way too much time on their hands figured out that in 1991, the song had been played on American radio an estimated 2,874,000 times. They did another calculation and came up with this lovely fact: back to back, that many plays of Stairway to Heaven results in 44 continuous years of playtime.

Something that struck me about this song, however, is the fact that this is Led Zeppelin's only appearance on the list. This is nothing outrageous, really, considering Judy Garland, Queen, Bruce Springsteen, Nirvana and Bob Dylan also had no other hits on the list, but these artists had nothing to do with the Beatles. I've never been too fond of the Beatles, really. I don't hate them, but I've never been able to jump on the bandwagon and go apeshit over them. Because of this, I've never been able to really understand why they were so insanely popular, but looking at the results of my algorithm, I noticed that an inordinate amount of these artists were English. The Stones, Clapton, the Beatles - all of them came from across the pond. Even Dylan got most of his career momentum in England, and it was around the time that the Beatles were making their way into the history books. Yes, Queen is from England, just like Led Zeppelin, but like Zeppelin, by the time they really broke onto the scene in any truly significant way, the Beatles were already starting to dissolve. They weren't exactly making friends at that point. The Stones and Clapton were closely connected to them, though, and between these three acts, they constitute the most significant portion of the list.

In my opinion, there are two things these results tell us. For one, all the acts whose work is included on this list that had anything to do with the Beatles - that includes the Stones, Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, and of course John Lennon - have shaped music as we know it forever. That era of history had such an impact on music that this list is unlikely to change anytime in the next 20 years. It would be nice if I could say that their caliber of music is still being produced, but I can't. Lastly, The rest of the artists on this list - Judy Garland, Queen, Bruce Springsteen, Nirvana, and Led Zeppelin - can give cynics like me the hope that there are other creative sparks out there, and they might still redeem what music has become today.

In any case, there's your answer: Stairway to Heaven. Sorry I went through that many songs just so we could get to your answer, but there was a lot to consider, and much explanation to give to arrive at that response. I am sorry you had to plow through all of this, but I hope that it gave you some insights that you appreciate.

If you have a question for the demon, send it to askthedemon@gmail.com, and remember: never stop asking questions.

Classic Question: Why is it called a blowjob?

This question was posed to me in one of the older incarnations of Ask the Demon. It was one of the more interesting questions, in my opinion, and I decided to bring it back for your edification.

I have looked far and wide on in as many places as I can reliably trust for information regarding the answer to your question, and unfortunately, I came back with no less than fifteen answers, none of which corroborate each other. It seems that this question may never have a concrete answer. Everyone who tries to answer this question does so with such authority that most people are satisfied, and it's a touchy subject, so most people never go to look anywhere else for a corroboration. Some people even go so far as to cite sources as being the "first time it was put on paper" but never actually produce the evidence or at least show some copy/pasta. I'm not going to do that to you. Well, not really.

Okay, I'm totally going to do it, but at least I hope to entertain you, and I'll be citing something much more amusing. In 2006, comedian Robert Wuhl, whom I swear you've seen in a movie somewhere but would not know his name if you saw him again, starred in an HBO special entitled Assume the Position with Mr. Wuhl. In it, he taught a class that centered on the theory that "History is Pop Culture." The basis of this theory was that if you heard about it in history class, it's because the people reporting current events back in the day were just as susceptible to popular opinion and interest as the big media networks of today are. This brings up an interesting point, in my opinion: lay off the media giants and their "control" of the industry; you don't have to get your news from them, and giving the people what they want to hear is just the way it works, not their own little agenda. And while we're on the subject, if you don't like your news, get it from somewhere else. It may not be more reliable, but it will at least make you happier.

But, I digress. The point is, in this little class that Mr. Wuhl taught, he gave us the legend of where using the middle finger as an insult came from. However, at the end of this explanation, he asked a question and subsequently answered it. "Is it true? It doesn't matter! Because when the legend becomes fact, print the legend." Unfortunately, in this case, the case of the etymology of the term "blowjob," there is no legend. It's in common use, just as the middle finger is, but the story of how it came to be known as such is lost to time. So, instead of giving you an answer I know to be true, I'm going to give you the one that I find most interesting, and one closely related to it.

Both of these explanations supposedly come from Victorian era England prostitution. The simpler of the two, and one that lacks a bit of punch in my opinion, is that "blow" was shortened into it's current form from "below." A "below-the-belt-job" as it were. Meh. Okay, I can see that, but then why aren't the perfectly named "hand jobs" lumped into the category of "below jobs"? I didn't like the explanation, but it is closely related to the one that I do like, and it's as close to corroboration as I can get on this.

The second explanation involves sailors. As any pirate movie you've seen within the past ten years will show you, sailors back then were often very nasty individuals who went for long stretches of time without sex. This is why most of the prostitution trade catered to this class of individual: they were dirty, ugly and very hard up. In a way, they were the perfect client for a criminal that provided the world's oldest paid service. The rich and pretty didn't need their services, and risked imprisonment if they were caught doing business with them, and it was much easier to just meet some nice tart somewhere and throw on the noble charm, so the fine and upstanding rarely utilized their services. The truly desperate simply couldn't afford them. Sailors, on the other hand, got paid, and relatively well. However, that didn't always make up for their unwashed exteriors, and while letting some filthy dirt ball gyrate on top of you for a while is bearable when you can breath through your mouth and not your nose, that doesn't work when there's something in your mouth. Telling a john that one wouldn't do something, however, was usually a little risky, since one was doing something illegal and therefor couldn't go to the police if one wanted to report having one's face broken in. So, a few wise and enterprising ladies of the evening went capitalist on them.

In Victorian England, sailors who had been granted shore leave but who had not completed their time with a particular ship were given an allowance of their overall pay to enjoy their time ashore. This was to keep them from blowing their earnings before they finished their time with that ship, which usually meant that there were a few less murderous wives when they reached their home ports. Well, the dock masters of each port required some quite intricate lists from captains that made port. Information in these lists included number of crewmen, duration of stay, nature of cargo, business in town, and more importantly to this story, the amount of shore allowance given to each sailor. The smart prostitutes would go to the dock master and ask him for this amount, just so they would know how much dough the sea dogs were carrying around. When it came time to get down to business so to speak, and the john would ask for fellatio, the girl would quote him a separate price for the service, and it just so happened to coincide with nearly or exactly the amount of his shore leave. Ergo, to get his dick sucked, he would have to blow all his money on the job.

Both of these explanations cite English court records as being the original public instance of the term's usage, but they never give exact words or show where they can be looked up. However, the important things to keep in mind are that 1. They both cite the same source, specifically mentioning Victorian London, and 2. It doesn't matter. This is the legend, and I'm printing it.

If you have a question for the demon, send it to askthedemon@gmail.com, and remember: never stop asking questions.

Why do camels spit?

Technically speaking, they don't. I know that traditionally, people think of camels and their ability to drink a metric shit ton of water that they can hold for weeks on end, their viability as an transportation alternative to horses, and of course, their ability to spit at something they are threatened by or annoyed with. Unfortunately, most traditional wisdom is wrong, or at least not properly understood. For instance, a camel's hump is not used to store water. Well, not just water. It's fatty tissue, which includes water and other nutrients. This hump, while usually thought of as an upright body part, can sag to the side as the years go by and the camel's health declines, especially in cases of being obesity.

But, that's not what you asked about. You asked about camel spit. Well, for those of you reading this and expecting to hear about the abject nastiness of an animal's biological functions, I have good news and bad news. The bad news for you sick little puppies is that camels do not spit, so the disgusting nature of a large, hairy animal's saliva being hurled at high velocity into someone's face is not concurrent with reality. But, as I said, there is good news for you twisted little freaks, and that good news is so much more disgusting than mere spit. You see, what most people think of as camel spitting, is actually a controlled vomit action.

Yes. Vomit.

Camels are ruminants, and as such, it is a normal process for them to regurgitate their partially digested food so that they can chew it again. This is normal. Cows, sheep, goats and llama llama llamas (sorry, I just love the sound of saying the word "llama" rapidly and repeatedly) all have very complex digestive tracts. After they chew their food for a while, they swallow it and let their first stomach do some of the work. Once most of the liquid is separated out of their food, they bring it back up and chew it some more.

Now, with most ruminants, this is the point at which the cud (that's the second stage food) is swallowed again and for the last time. And to be fair, camels usually do follow this progression. However, camels for some reason or another, have figured out that cud makes a good weapon. When they are threatened or annoyed, they will bring some of their cud up and literally fling it on the offending target. They don't spit it, really, because the act of spitting is something that only a few animals have the cheek and lip muscles to pull off. No, as I said, they just whip their heads from side to side, flinging the cud all over the place, some of which is on their target. Hopefully.

So, yeah. It was disgusting enough to think that these creatures spit in their own defense. But now you know that they don't. And it is so much more hardcore than the rumor. Isn't the truth awesome?

If you have a question for the demon, send it to askthedemon@gmail.com, and remember: never stop asking questions.

Back in the Saddle

So, it's come to my attention that this little phenomenon is in slight demand and that I should start writing on it again. There seems to be a need for questions being answered, so I'm back to doing this once more. Allow me to explain:

Ask the Demon started as a joke. During a discussion of random crap on a BDSM discussion board, someone decided that they would start answering any question anyone could come up with. I decided to follow suit. No, there are no new ideas. There are, however, good ideas, and in emulating that one, I managed to create something fairly worthwhile, or at least some people like to think so. They have managed to pester me into starting the column up again, this time in dedicated blog form. This is going to be slow to start, so I'm not going to tell you that I'll be updating every week at a certain time or that every question will be answered immediately. Trust me, answering every question that comes my way is annoying and pointless, especially with some of the questions everyone comes up with.

However, if you do have a question and you want more than a twitter-sized answer for it like those text services will give you, send it to me at askthedemon@gmail.com. I will answer all emails that aren't completely asinine as quickly as I can. Keep in mind, my replies may be too long for short attention spans to read, so get yourself a cup of coffee before you sit down the read my answers, and be ready for a healthy dose of something you didn't want to hear, because it might be just that.

Remember: send your questions to askthedemon@gmail.com.